Day Five

Do Joe Wicks PE with the girls. One of the eight-minute ones. The girls love it and want to do one of the longer ones, but I can’t quite bring myself to watch 30 minutes of Joe and his enthusiasm yet.

Things aren’t that bad. I reckon I can hold out for another week or two before his positive attitude breaks through my defences and soaks the core of my being with a permanent state of self-belief. Babe has already succumbed. She now does “PE with Joe” twice a night. I am not invited to those sessions.

What disturbs and intrigues me most is Joe’s seemingly endless variety of tight fitting t-shirts. Today it’s peach. I also notice how his choice of colour seems to have no effect on keeping his body in a calm and flaccid state: all colours appear to encourage his nipples to adopt an outstanding posture.

I consider it could be the exercise that’s doing that, but I am skeptical. The girls don’t – thankfully – seem to notice. They are too preoccupied with punching the air, doing kung fu kicks and climbing the rope.

Leave the girls to recover from eight minutes with Joe and disappear to my home office (the bedroom).

Spend most of the day dreaming up conspiracy theories as part of a fake news advertising campaign. This job is not on my to-do list and isn’t anything to do with a client and something I shouldn’t be spending my employer’s time on. But we’re on lockdown, so, you know. Live and let live.

Feel proud for the first time in six and half years. One of the theories could be 12% true, especially if I round up by 12.

The third one is my favourite:

  • It was started by Jamie Oliver and the Italians to drive up the share price of pasta.
  • It was started by the Dutch, because they have shit loads of loo roll stashed away in massive warehouses. If you don’t speak Dutch, here’s what the man is saying, “Ha ha, ha ha you English, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha. I have all the toilet paper in the Northern Hemisphere and I’m going to let cute little Labrador puppies roll round in it all day. Then I’m going to wrap myself in it and walk around the empty streets of Amsterdam like a corona-mummy. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. See how happy I am? Ha ha. Ha ha. I am smiling I am so happy. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. This isn’t even my fork lift truck. I stole it from an old person who left it outside a supermarket while they were trying to buy pasta and loo roll. Ha ha. Ha ha. I am so happy. I am Dutch. I love being Dutch.”
  • It was started by teachers because they’ve taken enough shit from our children and pushy parents to last a lifetime.
  • It was started by Greta Thunberg, because, you know, she realised not going to school wasn’t really reducing the carbon footprint. She needed to up her game. Fair play. And even if she didn’t start it, it seems to have helped the planet and all who depend on it for life, which sadly includes people who have done nothing to reduce their carbon footprint and deny the impact that humans are having on our life support system. But there you go. Mick was right, “You can’t always get what you want.”
  • It was started by the Chinese government to ruin the Western economies and usurp their power. OK, I didn’t make this one up, it’s been doing the rounds on the Tinterweb.

Feel even prouder when I realise that in an alternative universe all of these theories could be simultaneously true.

See a naked American man, called Ben, on a conference call and decide to wear nothing but Venetian masquerade masks on my video calls. Colleagues don’t find it anywhere nearly as amusing as Ben because apparently his nudity was accidental. I retort by saying I’m not convinced. “I think he was an introvert trying his hand at showing off.” They don’t care whether I agree with them or not and ask me to turn my camera off. I feel sad.

Watch Jurassic World with the girls while Babe chills out from teaching them and refereeing their squabbling. She longs for a house in the country with fourteen acres of land and large wrought iron gates to keep out the poor, drunks and corona zombies. She did not confirm whether she would want me and the children to live there with her. I am going with yes. 

We discuss how hard it must be for the Queen to be on lockdown. Since Boris has said traveling to your second home is a no-no. We place bets as to which compact and bijou residence she’ll stick with: Sandringham, Balmoral, Buckingham or Windsor.