In an effort to alleviate the boredom of being cooped up, and the chance of buying an axe – which no doubt would be out of stock anyway – and going berserk, I decide to do something more constructive with my time than ripping off Stephen King novels.
Compile a list of things I am sick and tired of hearing:
- These unprecedented times – this is somewhat puzzling because if each day is unique i.e. never having been in existence before, which they surely must be unless we are living in Groundhog Day, then does it not follow that all times are unprecedented? Logic aside, does no one remember what happened in 1348? Hint: Black and Death.
- Staying in is the new going out – I’m not sure prisoners would agree.
- The new normal
- “Good luck!” – there are many things I like saying good luck for, but wishing Babe a safe and successful trip to the supermarket is not one of them.
- Novel virus – like it’s something to see at a petting zoo rather than avoid like the plague. See note above about Black and Death.
- Lockdown – just makes me think of prison and Blue lyrics.
- When this is over
- Keep 2 meters apart – what happens if it’s only 199 centimetres? Am I more at risk?
- Panic buying – why would anyone be buying panic? Buy food you idiots! Buy food.
- The R number – which, roughly translated, means: when R we going to have proper protective clothing for our nurses and doctors? You know, the people who we need to keep alive so they can keep the rest of us alive.
- Chris Whitty – he reminds me of my first girlfriend, Barbara. She left me for Derek, her ex-boyfriend, after what I thought were two happily mediocre years together. I’m not surprised really. He did work on the fish counter whereas I was only on the frozen peas section, not in charge of it. Being in charge of a counter and a large set of filleting knives, and having the dexterity to use them with menacing agility apparently makes you more of a catch than merely being able to cram 41 bags of frozen peas into a freezer unit in less than 30 seconds. It’s doubly irritating because Barbara shares many other character traits with Chris other than just his surname. Her mannish innocent looks and gentle but slightly demure manner for instance. A coy shyness that is very appealing in a lover. I can’t watch the updates at 5pm any more because it sets off a chain of sad memories that end with Barbara and I dancing in a night club to Whitney Houston’s version of I Will Always Love You, which clearly she wouldn’t.
Barbara aside, I feel quite enthusiastic that I am making more constructive use of my time and decide to go one further.
I grab the dictionary and tear out the pages with “unprecedented” and “virus” and “Barbara” written on them.
Feel exhausted and, if I am honest, a little melancholic. Barbara was mostly nice to me. She even bought me a large Winnie the Pooh bear for Christmas one year, the same year I bought her a small Winnie the Pooh bear for Christmas. Two hearts…
Head to Twitter for salvation and, to my surprise, find some in the form of James Blunt.
Read some tosh about the banning of Easter eggs and slap forehead. Begin to wonder what the world is coming too. Think of the bunnies people. Think of the bunnies. They depend on our income for their livelihood. Decide to order twice as many eggs as required to make up for the people who won’t order any.
Babe reminds me Easter was last weekend and we still have three eggs leftover.