It’s my turn to be quiz master so I prepare some questions for family quiz night. There are six adults and four children (all under ten). I don’t expect it to go especially well or to be asked to be quiz master again. But it’s my turn and I have the right to ask whatever questions I like. Dems da rulz.
But I do my due diligence and tweet Joe Wicks to ask him if he has any tips on how to bring a sense of fun to a family quiz night (without the tight-fitting clothing), or at least advise me on how to stop it ending with a fist fight and someone walking off in a huff because they disagree that a tomato is actually a fruit.
Wait four minutes. Joe doesn’t reply. I decide to go it alone.
Everyone logs on at half six and away I go:
- What is Rhubarb’s pink bear called?
- Which would win in a fight: a T-Rex or Giganotosaurus?
- What is “The Ring of Fire”?
- Which swear word did Special ask the meaning of while on the way to bed the other night?
- How many times has Babe accidentally dropped a bread knife on Rhubarb’s foot?
- Where did Babe spend six months living when she was much much younger, when her skin glowed with the violent passion of youth?
- How many times have I not had sex in a Finnish sauna?
- How many wooden posts did Granddad have put in the grass verge outside his house in a vain attempt to stop students parking on public land, which he then had promptly removed after a total stranger took photos of them the next day?
- This one is for the kids. It’s beginner level existentialism: who are you?
- Is a female chimpanzee stronger than a thatched roof? Clue: the roof hasn’t been thatched for quite some time.
- How many wives really don’t like their husband?
- Which weighs more: a tonne of concrete or the guilt of eating half your youngest daughter’s Easter egg and blaming it on her sister?
- If a tree falls over in the middle of the night, and no one is there to hear it, does anyone actually give a shit?
- How many times was Lionel Richie’s lady a lady? And for a bonus point: how many times wasn’t she a lady?
- What exactly does woke mean?
- What has killed the most humans?
- Where is Timbuktu?
- How many unicorns die if you don’t brush your teeth twice a day?
- Does Boris Johnson use a pair of collared doves or a sprig of Spanish rosemary to mask the scent of his masculinity?
- What’s the name of the tallest mountain in the world, and where is it?
- How many times has Grandma fed her anti-depressants to Rufus, her cocker spaniel?
- Will Robbie Williams ever give up trying to win people’s recognition as an artist in his own right rather than as “the one who left Take That”?
- Will Victoria Beckham ever smile?
- Does anyone know where I can buy a baby narwhal and if they get along with koi carp?
