Family Quiz Night

It’s my turn to be quiz master so I prepare some questions for family quiz night. There are six adults and four children (all under ten). I don’t expect it to go especially well or to be asked to be quiz master again. But it’s my turn and I have the right to ask whatever questions I like. Dems da rulz.

But I do my due diligence and tweet Joe Wicks to ask him if he has any tips on how to bring a sense of fun to a family quiz night (without the tight-fitting clothing), or at least advise me on how to stop it ending with a fist fight and someone walking off in a huff because they disagree that a tomato is actually a fruit.

Wait four minutes. Joe doesn’t reply. I decide to go it alone.

Everyone logs on at half six and away I go:

  1. What is Rhubarb’s pink bear called?
  2. Which would win in a fight: a T-Rex or Giganotosaurus?
  3. What is “The Ring of Fire”?
  4. Which swear word did Special ask the meaning of while on the way to bed the other night?
  5. How many times has Babe accidentally dropped a bread knife on Rhubarb’s foot?
  6. Where did Babe spend six months living when she was much much younger, when her skin glowed with the violent passion of youth?
  7. How many times have I not had sex in a Finnish sauna?
  8. How many wooden posts did Granddad have put in the grass verge outside his house in a vain attempt to stop students parking on public land, which he then had promptly removed after a total stranger took photos of them the next day?
  9. This one is for the kids. It’s beginner level existentialism: who are you?
  10. Is a female chimpanzee stronger than a thatched roof? Clue: the roof hasn’t been thatched for quite some time.
  11. How many wives really don’t like their husband?
  12. Which weighs more: a tonne of concrete or the guilt of eating half your youngest daughter’s Easter egg and blaming it on her sister?
  13. If a tree falls over in the middle of the night, and no one is there to hear it, does anyone actually give a shit?
  14. How many times was Lionel Richie’s lady a lady? And for a bonus point: how many times wasn’t she a lady?
  15. What exactly does woke mean?
  16. What has killed the most humans?
  17. Where is Timbuktu?
  18. How many unicorns die if you don’t brush your teeth twice a day?
  19. Does Boris Johnson use a pair of collared doves or a sprig of Spanish rosemary to mask the scent of his masculinity?
  20. What’s the name of the tallest mountain in the world, and where is it?
  21. How many times has Grandma fed her anti-depressants to Rufus, her cocker spaniel?
  22. Will Robbie Williams ever give up trying to win people’s recognition as an artist in his own right rather than as “the one who left Take That”?
  23. Will Victoria Beckham ever smile?
  24. Does anyone know where I can buy a baby narwhal and if they get along with koi carp?