Receive a letter from my in-laws and counter-signed by Babe informing me I am never allowed to be family quiz master again because, and I quote: “You’re scaring the children. Please. Think of the children.”
Decide to hold my own quiz, where I am both quiz master and contestant. I should do well, but I am against the clock so who knows how it will pan out.
- Which would win in a fight to the death: a volunteer charity-shop worker or a polar bear?
- What has replaced Pimm’s o’clock?
- Dettol o’clock
- Domestos o’clock
- Any old disinfectant that will kill you o’clock
- Who has the best-groomed moustache: Tom Selleck or Joseph Stalin?
- Why has the dishwasher started making a funny sound and if it’s about to break will a plumber price gouge us to fix it during “these uncertain times”?
- Two part question:
- Part One: Are our neighbours, whom we haven’t seen sight nor sound of for five weeks, still alive?
- Part Two: Regardless of their existential status, since they never use their garden, when would it be appropriate to take down the fence between our gardens and claim their land using a home-made rainbow flag?
- How much longer can I put off playing horses with Rhubarb?
- How many times have I washed my hands today?
- How many times have I touched my face today?
- When will Dad stop sending me WhatsApp messages with photos of his dogs and marajuana plants growing on his terrace overlooking the foothills of Andalucia?
- One for 18-year-old me: should Gavin Williamson use the rhythm method to calculate exam results instead of an algorithm that punishes people for living in a less-than desirable postcode?
- Will PPE ever be available in a variety of colours other than Mortuary Blue?
- Trick question: Should the taxpayer fund clapping lessons for the Duchess of Cornwall, or should we simply revel in how awkward she appears to be with excruciatingly simple gestures of gratitude?
- Will Babe ever forgive me for throwing out twenty-three pairs of her sandals on purpose thinking they had gone moldy?
- Does a balaclava offer “adequate” protection from infectious airborne respiratory diseases, especially if the knitting is really good and the wool of exceptional quality?
- Will Boris Johnson then have the right to liken anyone seen wearing said type of balaclava to a jihadist postbox?
- What is Watford for?
- How many lions did President Putin release into the streets of Moscow to hunt down corona?
- Which four words will strike fear into any parent on a day trip with their toddler?
- Now that Nigel Farage has resigned from racism, what new hobby will he embrace instead?
- Doing 500-piece jigsaws of all the seaside towns he really shouldn’t have visited during lockdown
- Get democratically elected to another pan-national parliament where he can simultaneously draw a salary from it yet, ironically, criticise it for not being democratic;
- Special’s question: If you were a hairbrush, where would you hide?
I am gonna go out on a limb here and say you really don’t give a flying fox what the answers are, except perhaps to question 18, which is: I need a poo.