Solo Quiz Night

Receive a letter from my in-laws and counter-signed by Babe informing me I am never allowed to be family quiz master again because, and I quote: “You’re scaring the children. Please. Think of the children.”

Decide to hold my own quiz, where I am both quiz master and contestant. I should do well, but I am against the clock so who knows how it will pan out.

Here goes:

  1. Which would win in a fight to the death: a volunteer charity-shop worker or a polar bear?
  2. What has replaced Pimm’s o’clock?
    1. Dettol o’clock
    2. Domestos o’clock
    3. Any old disinfectant that will kill you o’clock
  3. Who has the best-groomed moustache: Tom Selleck or Joseph Stalin?
  4. Why has the dishwasher started making a funny sound and if it’s about to break will a plumber price gouge us to fix it during “these uncertain times”?
  5. Two part question:
    1. Part One: Are our neighbours, whom we haven’t seen sight nor sound of for five weeks, still alive?
    2. Part Two: Regardless of their existential status, since they never use their garden, when would it be appropriate to take down the fence between our gardens and claim their land using a home-made rainbow flag?
  6. How much longer can I put off playing horses with Rhubarb?
  7. How many times have I washed my hands today?
  8. How many times have I touched my face today?
  9. When will Dad stop sending me WhatsApp messages with photos of his dogs and marajuana plants growing on his terrace overlooking the foothills of Andalucia?
  10. One for 18-year-old me: should Gavin Williamson use the rhythm method to calculate exam results instead of an algorithm that punishes people for living in a less-than desirable postcode?
  11. Will PPE ever be available in a variety of colours other than Mortuary Blue?
  12. Trick question: Should the taxpayer fund clapping lessons for the Duchess of Cornwall, or should we simply revel in how awkward she appears to be with excruciatingly simple gestures of gratitude?
  13. Will Babe ever forgive me for throwing out twenty-three pairs of her sandals on purpose thinking they had gone moldy?
  14. Does a balaclava offer “adequate” protection from infectious airborne respiratory diseases, especially if the knitting is really good and the wool of exceptional quality?
  15. Will Boris Johnson then have the right to liken anyone seen wearing said type of balaclava to a jihadist postbox?
  16. What is Watford for?
  17. How many lions did President Putin release into the streets of Moscow to hunt down corona?
  18. Which four words will strike fear into any parent on a day trip with their toddler?
  19. Now that Nigel Farage has resigned from racism, what new hobby will he embrace instead?
    1. Cross-stitch
    2. Doing 500-piece jigsaws of all the seaside towns he really shouldn’t have visited during lockdown
    3. Get democratically elected to another pan-national parliament where he can simultaneously draw a salary from it yet, ironically, criticise it for not being democratic;
  20. Special’s question: If you were a hairbrush, where would you hide?


I am gonna go out on a limb here and say you really don’t give a flying fox what the answers are, except perhaps to question 18, which is: I need a poo.